in my mind

Posted on Friday, 17 May

Ever get that feeling that somebody is hiding something from you. You’re acting peculiar, and even though I trust you, you lie a little too much, even about shit that shouldn’t matter. If you can so easily lie about the small stuff, why wouldn’t you lie with bigger things ? I don’t think you’re out there hitting on other females, but I wonder if you don’t think it applies to your ex. I have a strange feeling that you are still talking to her and trying to hide it. It hurts. When you accused me of talking to my ex, it put up red flags, like where the hell did that come from ? Is your own guilty conscious talking? I don’t talk to my ex’s , I don’t think they even want to talk to me. But yours ? I bet she thinks you’re still gonna go back to her. I feel like everybody feels that way. I feel like I’m a stand in, and yes you say you love me, but you loved her once too right ? And then the things you tell me about her , it’s like , how the hell did you end up with her anyways ? Cause you were lonely ? I don’t understand. You yell at me and my relationships , but don’t see how your own was fucked up. You stayed with a woman for drugs, you stayed with a woman who thought you two were gonna get married, because … Yeah I don’t even know. It hurts. Are you staying with me for stupid reasons like this too? You say you broke up 2010, why did you and her and your mother and her friends have dinner in the end of 2011. Yeah I snoop through shit cause you don’t tell me shit. You don’t want to get into my past, but I’m still at fault, I’m not allowed to be upset about your one ex cause I have more ? That’s stupid. It’s unfair and mean.

Posted on Tuesday, 30 April

I dont know what I am doing.
I like your attention though.
I need you too much.
Why even try.
Everyday I wake up wishing I never did.
I’m trying , but it’s not good enough.
You break my heart.
I’m sorry.

Posted on Wednesday, 6 March

I feel like everybody is constantly moving forwards, and I’m lucky if I even move at all. I feel like I don’t know what I want still. It’s so easy to say “I want this and that”. But I just want everything and nothing. I still don’t know where I am going with my life, and each passing year, each month, each day, I feel like I am supposed to be closer to a decision. I don’t feel that though. I feel very consumed by negative thoughts, with clouded judgement, and many unanswered what ifs. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of choices, and I can’t grab one to save my own life. I constantly battle myself to either go back to school, to not. To move to not. To stay to not. sighhh. I’m not sure what I’m doing, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there. I’m not even sure if I am putting in effort or have any effort. 

A part of me wants to go to school, but I am just so , not into it. I never thought school was for me. I did okay last semester, but I wish I cared. I don’t and I think that’s why I can never push myself to do well, and “get the A” I just feel lost in class too. Like I’m out of place. 

I want to have a career , but no idea what field, doing what, etc. I want to be able to support and have a family, live in a big house, etc. How do I get there though, when I can barely make up my decision to get up every morning. I dunno. Lately, I just don’t feel like anything.

Posted on Monday, 24 December

I honestly don’t get how people do it. I have been away from my boyfriend 3 days and I am so homesick. I know I’m clingy and needy, but seriously I feel so sad and alone. This week is going by so slow. Everything reminds me of him and I just want to talk about him to everyone. He’s in cali pretty sad Im not there but at least he’s hanging out with some friends. And even though I love my family and having lots of fun,I still would rather be home with him.
Some couples go a few days without seeing their significant other, but I just couldn’t do it. Being apart for 10 hours (when he goes to work and when I do) just about kills me. I am so lucky that I get to sleep with him every night. That we can do anything you and be so happy. I have found the one.
I know my past two relationships were shit and I thought I was so in love. This time my life feels complete. I found someone that I don’t want to live with, but the one I know I could never live without. He is my everything. He is the one I will never let go. Sometimes I do believe he would be better off without me but he has made it clear that I’m the one he wants to be with. A part of me doesn’t think I’ll ever be that perfect woman for him but I’m trying. Sometimes I do stupid things and I hurt him. And that just about kills me. But somehow he forgives me. I know my past hurts him and I wish we could just live in the present and plan for the future. I just hope he knows he’s the one ill always love. He’s the one who means the world to me. He’s the one I’m going to be with four the rest of my life.